I don't know if this will make sense but my emotions don't make sense. I feel like I'm falling apart. My friends aren't here for me. They don't love me. The person I thought loved me has gone. The love for that person remains, and the love for others is here but twisted. I am afraid that I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know who I am. I'm here but I'm not.
I'm at this point in my life where I have no idea who I am. I don't know if I'll even see in a year. I have so many art things to do. I have to try and get my sight back to drive, but it's never going to happen. I'm losing friends left and right and my writing has sucked itself dry. I have no inspiration anymore. I'm just... not dealing well. I don't know if it's the depression or if it's the fact that everyone leaves me in the end, but I'm just done. I guess. I think that's what I'm trying to get out and put out. I'm not okay, but I don't know what to do or say. I don't know who I am. Everything is falling apart. I don't know myself, so how could my friends know me? I feel like the black cloud of depression is settling again and I don't want that. I'm tired of this bone-deep ache of sadness and rage and confusion. I don't want to go back to the place where nothing makes sense again. I was so close to leaping out of it and now everything is wrong again. I want to do things and try things but everything is holding me back. I'm so close to the edge, so close to letting go of my past but every single time I try to take a step forward it's like my mind immediately flips on the STUPID switch. Everything is suddenly offensive. I get in more fights than I mend. I argue more than I reason. I do more wrong than good. If this is how my life is going to be, then I don't want it. I don't want to be unhappy. I keep trying to look at the positives but I'm failing miserably. Every day is another fake laugh, another fake smile. I am tired of whispering good luck to myself when I know that I am going to fail. I wish that I knew what to say other than these words that can hardly contain the meaning or expression of how miserable I am. There are no sounds of grief or unsuppressed rage that can amount to how I feel. I don't know if words are going to make it better because words aren't letting me get across how hopeless I feel.
I just. The other day I heard this song and it made so much sense to me. The one line spoke to me. "Everybody knows shit's fucked." This world is fucked up. It's a shit world and nobody is okay. All there is... just hate. Hate. Every day, every word. I can't think without hate. I'm sure that everyone around me is the same way. Whether it's for the external, or the internal, I'm sure many relate. But I cannot carry on like this. My world is a thousand problems, and all of them are related to me.
I don't know what to do. Or who I am. I'm messed up but I don't know what to say. I'm just... I guess this is who I am now. Until I die, I suppose. Maybe I won't get better. Maybe I will. But I don't think I will.